So, I've held off on making this entry for several reasons, but I think it's time.

This past December, I took advantage of DevArt's sales and bought two years worth of premium, which will, at the very least, mean that I can consistently update my journal without worrying about the skin crashing (though I have to re-do it anyways at this point).

A few other things happened as well that are fairly critical. I should note: The biggest reason my DeviantArt has basically been rotting away for the past few years is sever emotional damage. I'm not good at talking about it, and I don't know that I ever will be. Suffice to say, I'd stopped drawing, writing, pixeling, taking pictures, and even quit singing other then regurgitating what was on the radio and playing vocals on Rock Band (very half-assedly, I should note). For the past few years, I have been severely fucked in the head.

But I'm getting there.

The reason this is important is this past December, a few major things happened:

#1 - I finally used the tablet my parent's bought me (that I begged for and yet was too depressed about my MS to even use) for Christmas of 2010, and found out that while it has a steep learning curve, I'm actually a better artist with my tablet than with pencil and paper. I chock it up to years of looking at a screen while I drew with a mouse via pixeling. I'm not fantastic, don't get me wrong, but I am definitely improving. I started working on a new, 100% drawn-by-me (and I do mean drawn, not pixeled) DeviantID in mid-December. I had to stop working on it because my old laptop was screaming in agony every time I opened PhotoShop, and when I finally got my new laptop, it kept rejecting the drivers and software for my tablet. However, I finally got everything working and am currently working on that, again. I'm also working on a series of Chibi's to go along with something...

#2 - My Christmas present this year from Adam was a cellphone upgrade to an iPhone 4S. Now, while most people just think of the 4S as a glorified POS, it truly is an amazing tool, and I can't even begin to explain how much easier it has made my life. The biggest perk of having my iPhone has been the fact that when I am laying in bed, barely able to move because I'm so weak: I can write.

That's right, I can actually WRITE IN BED. Now, I'm sure you're going "No shit, you have a laptop." But there are literally days I can't even sit up, guys. I can literally lay on my side typing away with my thumbs. As a matter of fact, I've actually penned about a chapter and a half of, dun dun dun, Nenriki no Kage this way.

What it boils down to is, over the course of the last few years, as I've been struggling to claw my way out of a severe case of complex post traumatic stress disorder (hell yeah, therapy for life, bitches!), I've slowly been blessed with tools of creation that help make it easier on me as an artist, especially when I'm having bad days.

Hell, my iPhone (which amazingly didn't cost that much upfront since it was an upgrade), has a more powerful camera than the $150 digital camera that my mom bought me as an early birthday present a few years ago. And it's way more convenient to be able to snag my phone out of my pocket and snap away then having to fight to dig my camera out of it's case in my bag.

SO, all around: I have better tools to work with (My copy of PhotoShop is even legit! But then I again, I've always preferred PSP and despised PhotoShop sooo....doo dee doot doo...), I've been getting my mojo back, and I feel like maybe creating is what's going to save me.

It's pretty awesome to feel as if you finally have your groove back. For example, I've been getting the writing itch back in the most phenomenal way (I've written around 40-50 pages on various things in the last few days. One night, I glanced at the clock and it was 1 am. The next thing I knew, it was 6 am and Adam was leaving for work). It is orgasmic. There is NOTHING like being so lost in your writing that you lose yourself completely and fall into it completely. I am fairly convinced that Suzanne Collins amazing Hunger Games trilogy is probably partially responsible for this, as when you read something powerful, it can really help make you want to delve back into your own creative pursuits. And considering I've read the trilogy three times in two months, I think it's pretty obvious that I consider it extremely powerful and moving.

I also discovered the awesomeness that is Spotify in December/early January. While it's sort of irritating to have to pay the $10 a month just to be able to stream to my phone, I really don't mind it. It's been worth every penny. Having the right music at my finger tips at any given moment has been a huge helper with writing.

All in all, while I still walk around in a perpetual panic attack and feel like I'm going to lose my proverbial shit at any second most of the time, amazingly, that's an improvement because hey: I'm freakin' walking around. I'm actually finding the will and the urge to live again.